Moment of Loss....

Leboh meda Apo tinggal seput aja ba spital, nya meh maia aku ngasai ka diri nadai daya nadai nemu nama ka diasai nama ka digaga… aku semina duduk dia aja merati ka seput, ninga munyi mesin ti kena orang monitor iya nyau udah chit2 warning…tu meh maia Apo aku nadai….Lutor baru udah bejako enggau kami duai menyadi madah Apo enda ulih agi…tak nganti aja meh, “enti kita ka mai iya pulai malam tu, tau meh,” pia ko Lutor. “ Nganti pagi aja meh" ko kami duai menyadi.(aku enggau Tawie ngibun iya malam nya).

While watching Apo struggline and fighting and gasping for air, I sat there helpless…I could think of nothing…. Now, nothing I could do for my Apo(dad) to revive him, to bring him back to life. Apo succumbed to his chronic Diabetes Melitus, Hypertension which led to Acute cardio-respiratory arrest and septicemic shock, led to pneumonia which took his life….

I touched his cold hands. These are the hands that have raised me up, hands that have carried me when I was a baby in his arms..they are cold and helpless.  I put my ear to his chest to listen to his heart beat. I could hear but a faint beat and the monitor was already blinking and making noise..My vision was blurred by my tears so I didn’t get the reading of the pulse or the BP. I looked at his pale face, his closed eyes. I could see his tears…”Apo, if only you had a choice, I know  you would not have chosen this way to leave us.” I whispered and cried.   I looked at his pale lips--gone are the smiles that used to greet me when he came to visit me ..I cried with the feelings of regret and sorrows and helplessness for not able to have more time with him during his lifetime, especially during the last month of his life. “Apo, I have been too busy with my own life and work that I don’t have time to visit you and Indai.”

“Lord, I haven’t done what I should to help him, to be with him during the time he needs me most.”  Often times we (me and my siblings) seem to find Apo a burden and we siblings argued among ourselves of who to send him to clinic for check ups and who visit him and whose house he put up during his visits. Daily lives and work seemed to have  robbed us all those precious moments that we should  have for Apo but now we missed and regretted.

Apo, a very talkative father, he would talk unceasingly about his past, about his relatives, about his younger days, just about anything under the sun…from sad to happy to funny…from people animal and ways of lives….some people find it’s a nuisance; others find it’s just like a radio program which can change from channel to channel by itself. Some would sit down and listen and respond to him….other time when we are all busy, he would just talked and talked, or rather commented on something…. Sometimes the story could be very funny that everyone could burst into laughter.. He such a special man as he was since I have known him as my Apo. A man who are very rich in words…Home can be so quiet without him…or something might have gone wrong with him when he is quiet…just like now..

When I was younger I used to looked at him as a man who was so strict and yet so loving, so protective of his little girls.  He never called us by my name but UMANG.(which means sweet/ beautiful girl) for all of us three girls –my two sisters and I. Even when we are all married and have kids he still called us UMANG. To Apo I am still his dear little girl forever.

Apo’s favourite pet are cats.when I was young, we used to have many cats, at least five at one time…Each cat is given a name just like one of the family members. Apo would name the cats differently than us…he has his own name for the cats and his own  way of playing with the cats…sometimes speaking Sarawak Melayu with them and he called the cats Melayu and he himself a Dayak…

Even until the time when we are all married and have our own family, Apo loved my pet cats. He would renamed them and he could spend the time talking with the cats and bully the cat. Strangely the cats love him. The cats would go near him whenever he sat in the living room.  Sometimes thinking about this, I would smile. Very funny!

Apo is not a perfect man, in fact he has more discrepancies just like any of us. However, he is a person who is loving and kind and he has taught values according to his level of knowledge. One very precious value that Apo taught me is that we may succeed in life but don’t forget our root. Remember where you come from. Know your relative. Visit them whenever you can. These is priceless value.

Apo is always proud of my triumphs and achievements in schools ever since I was a little girl. His busy schedule at work and his social problems in drinking habit were some of the things that most of the time made it not possible for him to be there for me and my siblings during our triumphs or the time we needed him most. But we  know he loved us like all dads do.   

I remembered the time when I was a teenager, Apo would not let us out after 5 PM. He was very strict when come to his little girl going out with guys. He was always on the watch out for guys that come in contact with his UMANG.  Like any other dads, Apo wants the best for his beloved UMANG(daughter or little sweet girl).

Now that Apo is gone, what is left are just memories of him, a man, whom I have called Apo (dad)..Deep down in my heart there is always a place for him. And as years passed I am even more glad and grateful that I used to have a man I called Apo(dad), he is where my root came from,  who had raised me up to who I am today…

Goodbye Apo..May God be with you until we meet again when Jesus comes the second time…

APO

I    Kena sakit tinggi darah, sakit kemi manis (diabetes), enggau sakit Buah Pinggang.

I    Selalu berubat ke Kuching setiap 3 bulan.

I    Nadai kala tak sakit raya; Selalu kembai kaki dalam kandang setaun (2008)  laban iya ka bisi penyakit Buah Pinggang

I    Udah bisi rancangan deka nuchi buah pinggang (haemeodialysis), udah di gaga IVF (Salur kena dialysis ba lengan iya, digaga kena bulan sembilan 2008).

I    Nganti lutor ti ngangau ngasoh nuchi buah pinggang tang enda sempat laban iya lalu balat.

I    Kena 25 April 2009 iya ditan ba spital laban kaki kelalu kembai.(oedema)(water retention)

I    Lalu berengkah ari nya iya lalu nadai selera makai, tubuh iya lalu ngelempis, kurus, laban udah dibuai orang ai dalam tubuh, iya enda ulih bejalai laban ko iya pala patong iya pedis.

I    Kena 11/5/2009, kena Monday iya bisi jako nyelai, udah bekau ti ditan ba emergency,  deka betemu enggau semua bala anak iya enggau bala menyadi iya, kelebih agi, adi biak iya, Cikgu Albert Kadir enda tau enda datai betemu enggau iya.

I    Monday (11 May 2009)  nya mega semua sida anak iya ari Kuching sampal datai magang malam nya, pia mega enggau Cikgu Albert Kadir enggau bini iya, Unjun@Apai Inchang ari Lempaung, Umek (Seri ak Batat) (Indai Chok) enggau apai Chok (Tony Billie ari Buluh Antu)  enggau datai malamnya betemu enggau iya.

I    Malamnya iya ulih duduk berandau serta gaga bendar meda bala orang ti datai, taja pan iya agi lembut tulang udah bekau baru pansut ari spital sarinya, tambah mega iya udah nadai makai asi bisi 3 hari sebedau nya.

I    Melakang semua orang pulai, kena tengah hari dua (Tuesday-12 May 2009), iya ngasai ka diri pedis enseput lalu ka luput. Iya di bai ngagai emergency ba Spital Sri Aman, lalu dipasuk ka ba spital. Maya tu iya endang udah balat laban enda ulih enseput. Iya luput lalu enda nemu kitai sarinya, lalu dibai ka spital Kuching ngena ambulan lemainya.  Datai ba Kuching pukul 8 PM.  Iya endang enda ngeleda selama dua malamnya lalu ngujong ka iya mutus seput tumu pagi Hari Empat kena 14/5/2009 pukul 630 pagi. 

 Apo deka selalu dikingat ka belama iya laban iya ngembuan penyiru apai ka nadai banding iya. Apo  deka dikenang selalu leboh aku meda semua mayau aku laban setiap kali iya nemuai ngagai aku iya rindu bemain enggau bala mayau aku. Semua empat iko sida mayau aku dikangau ka iya MELAYU, lalu diberi iya nama baru magang. Iya deka dikenang semua bala anak aku laban iya selalu bungah enggau sida kelebih agi bala anak aku Naomi enggau Elle ngena tundi ‘Claim Empat Ringgit’ kena iya nichik seduai.